I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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