i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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