I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
