He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
