im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
