i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
