ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
