and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
