I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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