A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
