Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
