i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
