Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize