Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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