I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
