The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So squirting runs in the family.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
