i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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