Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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