are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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