they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
