There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
