I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
