I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
