I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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