This is not my ceiling
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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