Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
