I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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