1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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