my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
