I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
