need another drink. this is the easiest way
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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