our cab driver is having phone sex.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
