never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
