My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
