I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
