make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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