I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
