someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
