Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There's even glitter on my cock...
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