my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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