Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
