he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Operation Purity has been aborted
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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