theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love having hate sex.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
