I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
