drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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