I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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