You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
