my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
