You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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