He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
