my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
