it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
