We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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