i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
