I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
