I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
