If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
