Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
