I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
