I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
