Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
