My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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