at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
