my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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