yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
