u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize