Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
